Yours truly, a well-seasoned journalist and writer, greatly enjoyed Clayton Snyder’s River of Thieves and decided to interview the main characters, Cord and Nenn. Unfortunately some notes might have been misplaced… An awkward, unedited transcript follows.
BL: Welcome to LRSN FM! Today we have the most special guest for you: Mademoiselle Nenne du Corduroy talking about her new memoir, “Lotus on the Lake”. Uhm, mademoiselle, you can’t smoke in here. And… this… person… is, uh, your current husband, the Duke, I gather?
Cord (C): Wait. You wrote a book?
Nenn (N): I do a lot of things.
C: “Lotus on the Lake”.
N: Eh, the publisher thought it’d sell better with the Hestians.
C: Most of them are illiterate.
N: *rolls eyes*
N: Wait. Did you say husband?
C: Why? Why would someone say that?
N: I don’t really like…
C: Penises. She doesn’t like penises.
N: Well, I was going to be more tactful, but yeah. In a nutshell.
N: Sigh. Next question.
BL: Ah… oh… well, we are nevertheless very happy to have you here… I think. Mademoiselle, I beg, cigar smoke activates sprinklers. Not that I checked. The next question was sent by our listener, Karen: if you could be a drink, what drink would it be?
N: I’d be a Gentian brandy. Slow burn, but it’ll fuck you up.
BL: Mademoiselle, this is a live sh–
C: Molotov cocktail.
N: Eh, sounds right.
BL: Thank you so much. I have to try this cocktail sometime soon. May I remind you that this is a family friendly show… Laura asks: which Pokemon is your favourite?
N: Look, I don’t wanna say these questions are loaded, but Cord’s just giggling. Cut it out, you idiot.
C: I was just parsing poke-man.
N: I don’t think that’s what he said…
BL: *speaking very fast* Indeed, indeed it isn’t. Wasn’t. Mademoiselle, Kylie, aged FOURTEEN, family-friendly show, asks: are you a cat or a dog person…?
N: Rek’s the cat guy. I like dogs.
C: I’m not much of one for either. I mean, I love dogs, but I’d never subject them to my life.
C: Yeah, but I don’t need to pet you. Do I?
N: Try it and pull back a stump.
BL: (slightly shaky) Ah, mademo– the cigar, I beg… Would you describe your relationship with the Duke as love at first sight, or did it start with mutual respect and friendship?
C: Love? Love is a construct meant to constrict.
N: No, gods no. Love doesn’t enter into it. This is a mutually beneficent business relationship.
C: *is distracted by something*
N: But yeah, I’d miss this idiot if he disappeared–
BL: It was a pleasure to have you here, mademoiselle du Corduroy, now PLEASE LEAVE, thank you so much, security!!! This is a bowel, I see a bowel in my studio!!! I QUIT!!!
River of Thieves is out now on Amazon. My review on Goodreads is out now on, eh, Goodreads.