Guest post by Rowdy Geirsson about things that keep happening to me ALL. THE. TIME.
Sometimes life just sucks. This is especially true in the 2020s. The lemons of life are everywhere this decade. It’s basically raining lemons. Hell, you can’t even turn on the news or play with your godless smart phone without encountering a serious societal lemon of some sort. And that doesn’t even touch on the matter of the depressing preponderance of actual personal life lemons on top of everything. All of which is why maintaining a healthy emotional balance by establishing a spiritual connection with the drunken rage of Thor is now more important than ever.
Simply put: there is no better coping mechanism for dealing with life’s lemons than to churn them into Thor’s favorite intensely alcoholic lemon-ale with a flurry of tension-releasing, physical body spasms and highly therapeutic, vocalized outbursts such as, “I AM THE SON OF ODIN AND MY HAMMER WILL DESTROY EVERY EVIL GIANT IN JOTUNHEIM!” Some of life’s most common, everyday lemons and how they may be remedied with the unhinged anger of Thor are discussed below.
LIFE GIVES YOU THE LEMON OF A CRANKY, OLD FERRYMAN WHO WON’T LET YOU ON HIS BOAT
Oh gods, you know how it is. You get to some river or lake or fjord of whatever on your way home from killing dumb trolls and you just want to get across, but there’s some cranky, old ferryman on the other side who heckles you and won’t cross over to give you a ride. I mean, what the fuck, right? And then he starts insulting you! Just completely unacceptable. So, shit-talk him for a while and feel your uncontrollable rage build within (embrace it) and then threaten to whoop the old coot’s ass since everyone fears you, you ferocious animal. And then when the jerk finally tells you that your wife is cheating on you, just flip the fuck out. Seriously, go flat-out ape-shit berserk; nothing is better for your chi than raging like a pissed-off thunder god. Unfortunately, the distance is too far to reach the old man and actually beat him to a bloody pulp, but you’ll still feel a lot better. And then afterwards you can rehydrate with Thor’s favorite summer shandy for the very long walk home while pondering certain accusations of adultery.