If you are reading this, I am having a shutdown. I might have told you what it is, but due to what my shutdown is, I have no clue whether I did. Because my shutdown is the brain switching off. All of it.
How it started
In 2015, I had an accident that left me in lots of physical pain. I ate opiates like candy, except candy is nice. They took the edge off. This might (not) come as a surprise, but being in so much pain sometimes you have to just lie down on the floor as tears roll down your face and you’re waiting for the extra (which you’re not allowed to take) painkillers to kick in is quite depressing and draining.
Tramadol, my painkiller, is actually known to cause sleepiness during the day and insomnia at night. (Gotta love it.) So, when sometimes I just had to go to bed, I blamed the medication. It would happen 3-4 times a day – I would just have to lie down with a blackout mask, in a room with blackout curtains, earplugs in, weighted blanket on top of me, basically creating as close as I could to a sensory deprivation chamber. After about 45 minutes, give or take, I’d emerge smiling and energetic again. (This sometimes freaked out people who could see me in person going from a zombie to the golden eye.)
In early 2022, I came off painkillers completely. But the shutdowns didn’t stop. They were caused by something else.
How it’s been going
My shutdowns have evolved since then, but the main principle remains the same. My brain switches off. Without a warning. *Snap* and what was sentences a second ago is now a word salad. This is the worst when I am having a private conversation with someone, especially when they are talking about something shit that is happening to them, and I have to say – sorry, shutdown time, I have to go to bed for a while.
This is actually an expression of respect from me, even if it doesn’t sound like one. Because I genuinely have no clue what you are saying, and I care enough to want to know, to understand. It’s just that I don’t. Have you heard about brain fog? I am having a sudden blizzard of very thick fog. Once I have had my rest, I will come back and know, again, what I am doing and what we are saying. Some people take this really badly, though, which is why I am writing this post.
I am updating this in September 2024. My complex PTSD therapy is now finished, but EMDR (another topic for another time) keeps reshuffling the brain patterns for six months after it is finished. That’s what’s happening now, I think – a lot of my therapy, its effects or lack thereof, and what is happening now (GOOD THINGS!!!) is/used to be guesswork. My subconscious works so hard that… have you ever used a Windows laptop? (I am sorry to hear a yes.) Sometimes you don’t seem to be doing anything, actively, and the thing eats through the battery and announces it is overheating. That’s my brain. And, like with Windows, I have to shut the lid down for a bit.
How it’s going
A few years ago, I was cooking, and I burnt something. An immediate shutdown followed. I put the hot pan down, glanced back on my way towards the bed, and saw my husband lift up something that looked as if blue chewing gum strands hung off the pot. “How weird,” I thought, “that… food was on the inside?” I placed the blistering hot pot on a plastic cutting board. I don’t know who switched off the heat source or what I put the plastic board on. Only that without my husband around there might have been a fire.
Nowadays I don’t end up in danger. I just feel as if my IQ dropped by…a lot. I am writing this because of a chat I was just having with someone who either knows about my shutdowns or not. I had to interrupt and say I was going away. Every time I set an appointment, I have to warn this can happen. And explaining it, as seen above, takes a while. In September 2024, that’s down from 45 minutes every two hours to 10-15 minutes every four hours, still, it’s neither predictable nor avoidable, and I can’t wait it out or make my brain un-fog itself. No matter how important our conversation is.
So – to sum it up – if I just told you “I’m sorry, I’m having a shutdown, I’ll be back” what I mean is – “I am really engaged in whatever we are doing, but my subconscious needs to recharge, and it doesn’t care what I want. Please don’t think I got bored or that I am rude. I care. That’s why I’m saying this instead of shutting the laptop and going away.”
TL;DR (which should have probably been at the beginning)
Sometimes I have to go away for a while, it has nothing to do with you or what we are doing/talking about, I can’t control it, and I will always be back. I’m not going to say sorry for something that I can’t influence, still, I hope you don’t get upset, and that you understand.
Thank you for reading this.